A Big Thank You, To Our Readers.
Without you, none of this would be possible. A big husky dog blowjob for you. And you. And you!
You know I won’t stop…
until you fucking start putting yo money where yo mouf is. Damn, you lookin’ good though boy. the skin, shades and that bling ding-a-ling-n’ in yo left ear makes me bananas.
b-a-n-a-n-a-n-a-n-a-n-a-s !.
Proof. I don't think i like the turn this blog has been taking over the last few weeks....Have you turned the positive energy into just a forum where you can get negative on Brandon?Let's make a fucking pact to make this rad and make things right Jess.I don't have any stupid artwork of you and you have 12 years worthof photos where I look stupid/gay. Not fair.Let instead talk about how off the hook my new volvo is and the new H.C. I'm getting.I think alot of this is superimposed.This is what I'm gonna do but with hotter indie rock darlings!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFRkLXq5pkEHey, Guy. No hard feelings. I can' t help that you post all these photos of you lookin' ridic right on your myspace and facebook profiles. Seriously, Guy. I apologize that it takes me about 2 sex to do this to you and the only thing you've mastered is the photo slideshow with puppies and cars on myspace with stars. That is you Streetpony. It is. And just cuz your whining like a littl homo, I do THIS to you (brought to you by the fine profile of MC Streetpony)!!!! Hello, Indie Darling. Wanna Taste?
I was awesome in Junior High.
Ya. It's all about image...
Come here Sausage. Come here.
Oh no. Oh no. Hi there, snappy. Whassa goin' on?
I will go on record to say that I have not altered one of the above photos. This is the real MC Streetpony.
big shot or not?
I don’t know why Brandsie, but “Big Shot” by Billy Joel reminds me of you. Not because I think you’re a big shot, but because I feel like you might think of yourself as a Big Shot. Maybe I think you just look like him or maybe you secretly emulate him? I can’t decide. Regardless, I played this Lil’ (no, not as Lil’ Wayne) diddy last night while at “Hoops and Dreams” or “Sweet Dreams” or “Memories and Drinks” whatever the fuck it’s called with Kyle and Babe. I seriously recommend you sit back, relax and tune into some late 70’s early 80’s B.J. Hey, that’s just like us!!
Good Morning, *Billy Joel!
Sheesh. I'm so bored being Billy, I wish Brandon was here.
*I can’t stand saying Billy. Billy. Fuck. I hate it. Billy. Say it, Brando. SAY IT!
Billy.
A real bigshot never admits he’s a bigshot.
Get real Jess- yeah I know most agree that that I am some sort of ‘big’ or ‘hot’ shot….
The truth is though, that I’m actually a SUPERshot.
I’m glad that song reminds you of me. That song can really fucking get stuck in your head for awhile….
YOUR head! That song I assume is stuck in YOUR head cause you won’t stop yelling it right at my face over enunciating the fuck out of it like a little stupid lady-billy.
It’s actually pretty cool!
Darlings Across America
Brandsies?
Are you there?
Brandsies?
I totally just grossed myself out and took that sick pic off here. I mean how can I maintain my hott image if I’m posting pictures of fingers in my nose? Answer: I can’t. So instead, I’ll post hot pics of you to try to help you win over the hearts of darlings across America. Well and this one just because my haircolor looks fucking amazing…
doesn’t it make you want to put the cursor right up my nostril? Me too!
Wink, wink is right!
What the fuck…
You look like Lee Radtke . What the hell happened to your face, Dad?
Why you gotta try and make me look stupid on here Jess?
Those are three. Only three times in the last two years where I was caught on film looking stupid.
#1. Huge gash in head and a drunken wink.
#2. Headband hotnight just trying to make something outta the night.
#4. An early stage moustache and a lackluster attitude.
I couldn’t find any stupid pics of you jess but I am working on some drawings…..
Oh wait! Actually this is you! I found one last minute. Remember when I suprised you and you looked like this?
Classic Jess.....
Let’s face it. We both know this girl is far more attractive than I ever will be.
Just thinkin of you…not.
So while working checking out Vice (per youge) I ran across this little experiment and immediately thought of you and your “style”.
Check it: “When Friends Dress Friends Shitty”
No seriously, you thought of wolfs, unicorns and lamborghini’s. And Ozarks like everything you like! it’s so crazy, it’s like, like MAGIC, man! Did you think of lazer wolf or wolf dummy or wolf pussy or dickwolf? This is all so new to me, i’m not sure how to handle it!!! How bout you grow a beard next? I’ve never seen one of those… What was that? a hobo/hipster tried knocking down your door this morn? What, that happened? Yowza. Why did they/it leave you a soaker for feet when you only have a foot? ZING. They totally got you!
Hobos/Hipsters: 1
Brandon: 0
arf!
whisper voice: bam. bam. bam. bam.
Well It kinda freaked me out! It was more like BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
You see last night I was awoke at 3:46 am to some pretty crazy slammings to my front door. I live upstairs apartment style right above a salon. So my front door is street level/hobo level.
So I get up, look down to see two hobos trying to break into my door by crashing a shopping cart into the wall and throwing somthing at the window. I grab my iphone and almost call 911! Quick turn on the lights and let them know I mean business. So these rag-tags start heading down belmont with their carts and vandalism in their hearts. What the fuck were they trying to do? Steal a bicycle or just stab me?
When I got up this morn I went out to see if there was any damage to the door. It was pretty much fine but there was foot soaker deal kinda fucked up and laying on the sidewalk. They tried to beak in with one of these…. Crazy hobos!
works as good as house key!
That’s Bananas Man! Wait a second, maybe foot soakers are the new unicorns/wolves/cat/beards and the vandalism in their hearts is just indie rock farts! It’s all coming full circle, man! Let’s smoke some weed, chug some beers and totally talk about it…
Love, Arf-Garf.
Uh-oh, it’s Magic!
Did I Do That?
I find it fairly amusing that I have not seen you since my birthday on Groundhog’s Day 56 days ago. That means, we have spoken on the phone at least 224 times since that Monday, almost 2 months ago. That doesn’t include the voicemails we’ve left or the text messages that you are so annoying with. Let me see, I think it’s fair to say that (on average) I’ve probably left 3 voicemails per day each at 2min lengths. That means I’ve left 168 voicemails for a total of 336min. That’s a little over 5hrs of my life talking nonsense into a machine.
Oh hey, remember when you called me and asked to go to lunch, I politely declined and then called you from the grocery store telling you I was at Bunks? Remember how mad you got and then you called me a bitch? That was funny. Hey! Have you heard this song before?
“I’m Fergalicious (so delicious)
My body stay vicious
I be up in the gym just working on my fitness
He’s my witness (oooh, wee)
I put yo’ boy on rock, rock
And he be lining down the block just to watch what I got (four, tres, two, uno)”
Ya, me neither.
No I’ve NEVER heard that song Jess. Did you make it up at work or something? We should start a rapping duo! Let’s call ourselves TLseahorses or maybe Run DM sea lions! MC Ham-mermaids? Sea where I’m going with this?
Speaking of the sea, have you heard whassa going on in Newport? Sexting is getting outta control in the coastal regions! Totally true story- this 30 year old man was ‘partying’ with a couple high school gals . By ‘partying ‘ I mean he got the girls wasted and the hot one passed out so they got a labrador/shepard mix to dry hump her! Next thing you know they’re filming the arf romance and sending to their peeps with the sexting application on iphone! Some guys are just better at girls than others…..
http://www.kptv.com/news/19048149/detail.html
Remember how I told how busy I’ve been lately and haven’t had a chance to even see any decent looking gals out in the community? All that changed yesterday.I saw not one but two total foxes yesterday and I wasn’t even trying. This is where the story gets good…. I totally talked to them. The one that looked like Pocohontas even said she’s seen me around and I seem like a “pretty cool guy”. Fuck yeah!
You Can Call Me Mommy
I’ve got news. BIG news. BoyFriend and I finally sealed the deal and we gots ourselves prego. Somewhere, somehow a two little guys squeezed their way through BF’s clipped junk and made a splash (if you will) in my tum-tum-er-ie.
The reason why I’ve been M.I.A, but not to be confused with the “Lady Killah” M.I.A. who, oh-my-god, was also just prego and had little rascals!
Here are my two kids. And you thought I was going to Yoga all this time? Ha!
Sweet, sweet Peanut Butter Applegate
I know, pretty darling right? Peanut Butter is going to make it big. REAL big.
Little Car Insurance
I know what you’re thinking. “Where the H.E.Double-Hockey-sticks did those ears come from”? Don’t worry, I didn’t run off with the Milk Man, they just run in the BF’s family. Car Insurance has already started bustin’ mad rhymes like this:
“Ya Gotta Dip Dip Dive, So So Socialize
Clean Out Your Ears Then Open Your Eyes
And Then Pay at The Door As A Donation
To Hear The Best Sounds In Creation
He’s A Disco Dream Of A Mean Machine
And When It Comes To Size, Ya See What We Mean”
Watch out Kanye, Car Insurance is rap.
I have now earned my right to torture these children as my mother tortured my sister and I. I will show them my stretch marks on Mother’s Day and their birthdays, I will say good-by by sticking my tongue between the peace sign of my fingers and laughing, I will bend over to pick up their toys or misc. other items without bending my knees because I’m a sexy M.I.L.F, I will teach them funny faces that will later make their boyfriends/girlfriends wish they were with someone obviously not as funny as them, I will require them to introduce me as ”Jessica” and never say “Mom” in public, I will also introduce myself as their sister and try to hit on their prom dates, I will make them ”run like a bunny and get mommy a snickers” and I will constantly refer to “Circle K” as “Circle-Eleven”.
This is just the beginning. Muahhahaa.
Facebook is fucking my world
So the word is out dawgs… Facebook is the new myspace! That’s cool if you want to rekindle old friendships with old classmates, scrabble it up and never get laid again!
There was a little known secret of the pros that I assume got blown out by an overpopulation of total fucks on the internet. This was a nice myspace feature that I coined the ‘darling search’… all you’d do was do a quick browse of girls 22-29 within 5 miles of your zip code and instantly you could find some really nice foxes that seem like they have similar intrests. Almost too easy right?
Now that every girl in the world is on myspace it would take forever to sift through the thousands of girls to find even two decents!
There once was a time when every VW Cabriolet or white Jetta always had a fox behind the wheel… those days are history just like the myspace= hot girls phenomenon. Now all the pretty gals are up in the Facebook scene and there’s no ‘darling search’ feature whatsoever. Now how am I going to initiate new romance Jess? Am I actually going to have to do it old school and just hope to run into them in front of American Apparel or Jamba Juice?
I’ve told you; use the “Call me” tramp stamp! It will work like a charm…
This got me wondering if girls know of the myspace teqnique? So I reversed the stats and did a search for 32 year-old men in my fucking area…. the results got me pretty stoked and not in a gay way!
You sure can go alot of different routes to become a 32 year old man around here. These are the first few random bros that came up….
ponytail or just wierd hair in front?
tilting your head like ths means you're wealthy and can punch
teenagers flip this man the bird
angry race enthusiast
shoulderbird nonchalance
Which one would you pick ladies?
